Having strict parents can be frustrating!
But it’s important to understand Why are my parents being so strict?
This will help you understand the root cause better, and accordingly you can adopt a strategy that can work best for you.
Sometimes, parents are strict because they want to teach you discipline. So that you learn to be accountable and responsible as an adult.
Other times, they might be acting out because of the unresolved trauma during their childhood with their parents.
What’s Their Intention?
- Teach Discipline
Parents want to teach you things like being on time, doing chores, or getting good grades because they believe these habits will help you grow into a successful adult.
- Unresolved Trauma
Sometimes, parents are strict because their own parents were strict. If they grew up in a house where they weren’t allowed to make mistakes, they might repeat this with you, without realizing it.
How To Identify Their Intention
| Teach Discipline | Unresolved Trauma |
| They enforce rules with a clear purpose, like teaching responsibility. Example: They say, “Finish your homework before playing video games,” so you learn to prioritize important tasks. | They enforce rules just to be in control. Example: Even after you finish your homework, they still don’t let you play because they were raised in a household where fun was not allowed, even after work was done. |
| They explain the rules to you. Example: Your parent says, “You need to go to bed early because it helps you focus better at school.” They want to teach you discipline and responsibility. | They are strict without explaining why. Example: Your parent says, “You need to go to bed now because I said so!” without explaining why. This could come from their own strict upbringing where rules were never explained. |
| They listen to your side and are open to discussing the rules. Example: You ask, “Can I stay out later on weekends?” and they consider it, showing they want to balance discipline with understanding. | They get angry when you question the rules. Example: You ask for a bit more freedom, and they get upset, saying, “You’re being disrespectful!” Their reaction might come from how they were treated when they questioned rules as a child. |
| They give you second chances and understand mistakes happen. Example: You forget to clean your room, and they remind you without getting mad because they know it’s part of learning responsibility. | They overreact to small mistakes. Example: You spill juice, and they get furious, saying, “You never do anything right!” This extreme reaction might come from how their parents treated them for making small mistakes. |
| They adjust rules as you grow older and show more responsibility. Example: As you prove yourself, they extend your curfew or give you more freedom, because they trust you. | They are strict no matter how responsible you are. Example: Even though you’ve proven that you can manage your time, they still treat you like a child. This might be because they weren’t allowed independence when they were younger. |
What Are The Red Flags In Having Strict Parents
🚩Your parents impose rules without discussing them with you or explaining the reason behind them.
🚩If you accidentally forget to do a chore and your parents respond with extreme anger or punishment.
🚩Your parents use guilt or shame to enforce rules, saying things like, “If you really cared about this family, you would follow my rules.”
🚩They discourage or outright forbid you from spending time with friends, claiming it’s for your own good.
🚩If your parents monitor your every move—checking your phone messages or tracking your whereabouts excessively
🚩Instead of discussing mistakes and helping you learn from them, they resort to harsh punishments.
What To Do If Their Intentions Are To Teach Discipline
If you discover that your parents have good intentions, it’s important to recognize that they really do want the best for you, even if their method feels tough.
Here are some things you can do:
- Let them know how you feel, but also acknowledge their intention. You might say something like, “I understand that you want me to learn responsibility, but sometimes it feels too strict. Can we find a middle ground?”
- If you show them that you’re responsible, like doing your homework without being asked or sticking to a curfew, they might ease up on some of the rules.
- Sometimes, it takes parents a little time to realize that you’re growing up and capable of making good decisions. As you keep proving yourself, they might start to trust you more. So be patient with them.
What To Do If It’s Unresolved Trauma
If your parents’ strictness seems more like a result of their own unresolved trauma, that’s a little tougher to handle. But there are still things you can do:
- Bring up how their strictness makes you feel, but do it gently. You could say something like, “I know you want what’s best for me, but sometimes I feel like the rules are too much. Can we talk about it?”
- Sometimes parents don’t even realize they’re repeating patterns from their own childhood. If you can, try to understand that they might be dealing with their own issues and need your patience, too.
- While it’s hard, if their strictness is overwhelming, you may need to calmly express your feelings about certain rules or behaviors. For example, “I feel really anxious when you’re upset with me for small things, and it’s hard for me to concentrate on school.”
- If things feel too intense, and talking doesn’t help, it might be useful to ask a trusted adult, like a teacher or counselor, to help you have this conversation with your parents.
In Conclusion
Having strict parents can be hard, but understanding where they’re coming from helps a lot. Whether they want to instill discipline or are struggling with their own past, the key is to stay calm, talk openly, and try to work together.
